The Power of Words

“Words can inspire. And words can destroy. Choose yours well.”

Self-help writer and leadership speaker Robin Sharma nailed it with this powerful quote.  We’ve all been on both the receiving and giving end of inspiring words.  Or hurtful ones.  So we know the boost we get when someone tells us we are amazing and will succeed. Conversely, we know how it feels when someone deflates us with a disparaging remark. We also know how bad we feel when it gets back to us that something we said off-hand to another caused offense and pain.

We know words can build or scar, so why do we sometimes speak unkindly? Several reasons come to mind:

• we are disconnected and unaware,
• we are frustrated, or
• we really do intend to hurt someone.

Regardless of the reason, when we verbalize something it is out there forever. Ouch!

A couple of thoughts to help:

Take a moment to breathe and think. As you are thinking, realize: this situation is going to pass, but the words you utter may be imprinted on another person for the rest of their life. Do you really want to tear down that person? Does it bring about a good result, and are your words of disdain how you want to be remembered? Even just a moment of reflection before we respond to a person can save a relationship, can lift another.

Toby Keith has a great country song, “I Wanna Talk About Me.” So let’s talk about “me” for a minute. Cruelty toward others is actually an indicator of how we feel about ourselves. If we are consistently self-critical, for example, we will tend to be critical of others.  When we figure out how to be less critical of ourselves, to forgive ourselves, and to nurture our personal growth, we instill a healthy sense of well-being. That healthy sense of well-being has an uncanny way of kicking Ego to the curb, which then enables us to better extend sincere kindness, patience, and forgiveness to others.  

Let’s examine the correlation between positive self-talk and a healthy mind/body. Do you catch yourself saying things like, “I’m not good with names”, “Nothing good ever happens to me”, or “my body’s falling apart”?

Did you know that when you do this, your being and your body believe it? The more you say things like this, the more it will manifest. Do you want to be better with names, feel young and vibrant, enjoy your healthy body? Then change the way you talk to yourself.

Start saying,

• “I’m great with names.” 
• “I always receive the best and greatest outcomes.”
• “I feel great.”

Even if you don’t believe it at first, do it. Over time your body and mind will believe it, and things will change.

I recently worked with a client who told me his knee was bothering him.  It became apparent that in order for his knee to feel better, he was going to have to change his self-talk. He was going to have to make a new habit – one of gratitude and appreciation toward his body, and specifically, his knee.  

As we discussed his assignment, he acknowledged how well it resonated with him. Before he even got started on it, he knew that his knee would respond to the positive words he would speak to it.  

This might sound too simplistic, but it works. Words are a powerful force, that over time, form new neuropathways in the brain. When we repeatedly express gratitude, repeat affirmations, or express encouragement, the brain develops new thought. This new energy becomes a belief, and if that belief is positive, it will bring about healing.

Here’s a fun experiment to try over the summer:

Choose an issue that you are having trouble with – it can be anything. Then carefully choose some words that will invite and encourage the outcome you desire. Write these words down, and say them to yourself frequently.  Further the influence of this experiment by extending this new kindness to others. 

By the end of the summer, see what has changed. This is the fun part. How much better do you feel? How has your body improved? And how does it feel to use your words to empower those around you? You have nothing to lose and everything to gain here. Just remember –  “Words can inspire. And words can destroy. Choose yours well.”

Are You Tired of Being Perfect? Time to Lighten Up!

Do you ever feel inadequate? Is your best effort never good enough? Do you sometimes feel a need to pretend to be someone you’re not so you can fit in? If so, you may be somewhat of a perfectionist. Perfectionism is defined as a personality trait characterized by a person’s striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high performance standards, accompanied by overly critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ opinions. Of course, this is unrealistic, and often ends in depression and feelings of low self-worth.

The quest for perfection is exhausting and unrelenting. So why do we do this? And more importantly, how can we stop? As I’ve explored this self-destructive issue, I’ve come up with some causes and their solutions.  It’s important to note that we are inundated with conflicting and destructive messages from both within and outside of ourselves. Below are some of the ways we are negatively influenced, along with some helpful solutions:

• Inner Critic – That nagging, negative self-talk that compels us to compare ourselves to others, demeans us, and consistently reminds us of how inadequate we are.
  
  Solution: First, realize you are not alone – everyone struggles (or has at one time) with this. The Inner Critic would have you believe you are the only one who feels this way -- that’s one big reason it is so effective. So, knowing this is true, talk back to it. OK maybe not out loud when you’re in public, but talk back nonetheless – until it stops. This takes practice, but over time you will train your mind to think more positively (and correctly) about yourself.  
  
  Which brings us to the second thing you can do -open up your awareness to others. Look around. Do you really think you’re the only one being hard on yourself? Not by a long shot! Everyone else is struggling with something – guaranteed. So reach out to others with genuine compassion, knowing that they too are striving to keep up with what they believe comes easily to everyone else. Third, quit comparing yourself to others. When you do that, you are always pitting your weakness against another’s strength. Never a fair comparison.

• Outside Influences – For the sake of length I’m going to stick to women’s fashion magazines, since they are so pervasive. What message do they send? That as long as we are young, beautiful, skinny, rich, popular, etc we will be happy. The next time you’re in the grocery check-out line, pay attention to the women’s magazines, and their conflicting messages: Try our latest diet – guaranteed to take off 10 pounds in a week!  Really? Of course, there’s an airbrushed model for you to see so you really get the picture. You’ll usually notice off to the side of the magazine cover there’s a chocolate cake with the recipe included inside. Hmm, is this for the reward after you’ve followed the diet and lost those 10 pounds in 7 days?  Do you see how impossible all that is? 
  
  Solution: Look at the bigger picture – see the truth behind the facade. These messages tell us to compare ourselves to others, feel bad about ourselves, then buy their products to make it all better – all for the purpose of the magazines making money off their advertising space. It has nothing to do with us, just our money.

Whether our conflicts come from the Inner Critic or outside influences, the bottom line is fear – fear of rejection: People won’t like me if they know the real me. Fear of failure: If I don’t achieve the highest standards it is a reflection of my incompetence, and proof that I am incapable. Fear of not being accepted: If I say that, people will mock me – I won’t fit in. These fears are endless. They are destructive, completely false, and definitely keep us from being our true selves. The good news is that we can overcome!

Ask quality questions:

• What’s going to happen if my project fails?
• What can I learn from this?
• What is one thing I can improve?
• What will I do differently next time?

These questions empower us to take lessons where we can, and make realistic changes and improvements instead of beating ourselves up.

We were put on this earth to be happy, joyful, productive, giving, kind, and to strive for doing our best while being our perfectly flawed selves. I heard a thought -provoking quote this week by a young mom trying to keep up with it all – “I’m a piece of work, and a work in progress.” Aren’t we all?

So tell your Inner Critic to take a hike, put the fashion magazine down, and go talk to a friend – you’re more than enough, so lighten up!

Lighten Up!

(sung to the tune of “If You’re Happy and You Know It”)

 When life’s got you overrun,
Then lighten up.
Think of all the good you’ve done
And lighten up.
If your job is just half done and
Your big battle’s just half won,
Pat yourself on half your back
and lighten up. 

If you’re feeling loaded down
Then lighten up.
Shrug your shoulders, sing a song,
And lighten up.
With a friend or two beside you
And Heaven’s love to guide you,
Let some sunshine back inside you—
Lighten up!

Song adapted from Chieko Okasaki’s book “Lighten Up!”

Featured Image Copyright: Ruslan Sitarchuk / BigStockPhoto.com

The Wonderful Magic of Kindness

My neighborhood has been having a rough time. Several people who we love have recently passed away. It seems that in times of tragedy and death I find myself contemplating big questions: the importance and shortness of life, why life seems to be so hard, the value of a person’s presence, just to name a few. One of the questions that immediately comes up for me is – when it’s the headstone on my grave, what will the epitaph say? I don’t want it to say, “Mom was bossy” “everything had to be perfect” or maybe even “she liked shoes”.  I want to live a life summed up with “Brigit was loving and kind”.

As I watch my neighbors drop everything to attend to the needs of those grieving, I am humbled as I realize I am watching the actions of love and genuine kindness. These are people who give without any thought of getting something in return. Amazingly, though, they do get something back, for kindness soothes the weary soul and brightens the heart of both the giver and the recipient. Being kind softens and strengthens us all.

We all remember times when someone extended a tender mercy and the warmth and love that resulted, and feel grateful appreciation for kindness as the world around us becomes more crass and unfeeling. I remember a time in my youth when a tender mercy was extended to me: I accidently broke a school window while practicing my tennis swing when I was about 8 years old. No one saw me do it, and I went home in a panic wondering what to do. I didn’t tell anyone, but my wise parents could tell something was wrong. They asked me what happened, and I confessed through guilty sobs. They told me I had to do the right thing – I had to go speak with Mr. Marchant, the principal, and make it right. I was scared to death, but I did it. I went to the office the next school day, expecting the worst – maybe jail - and confessed my sin. Mr Marchant listened compassionately, and said, “I think if you could give us $2 we can replace that window”. I couldn’t believe it – that window cost only $2.00??  It was the biggest relief of my young life. It wasn’t until much later that I realized that the $2 was for my benefit. It was so I could feel good about my effort of restitution.  I will always remember that kindness.

Sometimes being kind comes naturally, and other times it’s an effort. It’s easy to serve a sweet person we love, but what about those who challenge us? Some can be hard to love, and often resist our attempts to be kind. A certain Facebook post recently caught my eye: “Hurt people hurt people”. A short and simple phrase that speaks volumes. Every person we encounter is dealing with something hard, something we can’t see. Being aware of that can help us feel a sense of compassion for those with whom we struggle. Genuine kindness comes from the heart, and is able to put judgments aside, connecting hearts together.  I remember a song from childhood, “Kindness Begins with Me”. Could you imagine what our community would be like if everyone lived by the simple words of this song? Love and genuine kindness, sprinkled with a healthy dose of patience, can bring down walls of isolation and soften the hardest of hearts.

My neighbors and I are healing, and in large part it’s because of the love and tenderness that is being extended. People we love have left us, and while we will always feel their absence, we remember that those who are left behind are in need of compassionate service and love. We also see that each of us need each other.  Life is short. Leave people better than when you found them. Love your friends and family members as they are, while gently encouraging them to be their best version of themselves. Everyone, including you, will benefit in ways that can’t be measured, and that is the wonderful magic of kindness.